Keep Going

I have a hard time being the person I want to be. I don't know if anyone else struggles with not living up to what they hope to be, but I seem to struggle with it most of the time. As a Christian, I want to love people like Jesus loved them and to love and seek after God with all my heart. Of course, whenever the distractions of my life come in, this seems like a silly thing. I don't want to stop what I'm doing and help someone; I don't want to talk to someone who is sitting alone at lunch when I have a table full of friends waiting for me; I don't want to give up my weekend to serve people; I don't want to stick up for someone who is being put down, especially if they might "deserve" it; and I definitely don't have the time to sit still once a day and pray and read the Bible. Of course that is besides the lies I might tell, the hurtful words I say, the impure thoughts I think, and all the other ways I go wrong in my day. Every mess-up feels like a slap in the face whenever I make an effort to not be carried away by my day, and after a time I just don't really care. I guess I lose my motivation to keep making an effort to get up after each fall.

After days like that, I don't want to even think about God because I don't want to deal with my own failures. The shame of not doing what I should keeps me from seeking Him, even though God wants a relationship with me 24/7 no matter what I do. As stupid as it sounds, I just want to go away from God for a while until I feel like the residue of my last failure is gone.

I watched Elizabethtown over the break with my family. Orlando Bloom is this shoe designer who lost his company a billion dollars. I liked one part in it where he is kind of moping in self-pity and his girlfriend Kirsten Dunst says to him: "So you failed. Alright. You really failed. You failed, you failed, you failed, you failed, you failed, you failed, you failed, you failed, you failed, you failed, you failed, you failed . . .Wah, wah, wah. You want to be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make 'em wonder why you're still smiling. That's true greatness to me."

C.S. Lewis puts it another way, "What God does for us, He does in us. The process of doing it will appear to me to be the daily or hourly repeated exercises of my own will in renouncing this attitude . . . We may never, this side of death, drive the invader out of our territory, but we must be in the Resistance." In essence, I have to begin again daily, even hourly in living my life as a disciple of Christ. And true greatness is found in not running away after each failure, but getting back up and dealing with life head-on.

I guess my simple prayer tonight is this: that I will have the courage to get up after each fall, and the desire to begin anew again each day.