Cigars In Heaven

Let me first start out by saying that I totally jacked the tile from A Year With C.S. Lewis. The book quotes a Lewis in A Grief Observed about the past.

"Reality never repeats. The exact same thing is never taken away and given back. How well the spiritualists bait their hook! 'Things on this side are not so different after all.' There are cigars in Heaven. For that is what we should all like. The happy past restored."
"And that, just that, is what I cry out for, with mad, midnight endearments and entreaties spoken into the empty air."

I feel that I relate to what C.S. Lewis is talking about, except perhaps that my pain cannot compare to his, because he mourns his dearly beloved wife whereas I only mourn the past. I find myself sometimes wishing that I could go back to when I felt more at ease and more at home. Before my family moved to Iowa and before my brother and I had to leave for college. Sometimes I wish I could go back to when I was still living in Houston, because even though my family was in Iowa, I still had my close Christian family in Houston. Since I came to Harding, it seems like I have lost a way of life as well as many precious people in my life; people in Texas, many of whom I may not see again. I mean come on, just having to leave Texas is heartbreak enough.

I constantly find myself yearning for a life like what I used to have. And yet, as I find myself dwelling on the past, I know that it is in the past. All good things must come to an end in this world. I read Lewis' words that "The exact same thing is never taken away and given back" and know that God doesn't give you the exact same blessing over and over. Not even in Heaven will it be the same, no matter how much I tell myself it will.

Last night, I took a walk in the rain as I poured out my heart to God, confiding in Him all my fears and hopes and prayers. And when I stopped to listen, I could feel a sense of peace and security as though nothing had changed. As I heard the rain steadily beating against the trees and the grass and the buildings, it was like I could hear God saying "It's ok, I am here. Even though your life is changing, I am constant and I have a plan for you."

It is such a great relief to know that there is a God. That He has plans for me, and that I have been created specifically for them. That when life swirls around me, God is there constant and steady, like a mountain in a storm. That even though I have lost something very dear to me, God has new things to bless me with. That I don't have to cry out for the happy past to be restored.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11
" Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight." - Psalm 119:35